Does anybody ever feel just disappointed with stuff? I've felt that way a lot lately. I don't know what it is.
Last night the CHCers went to play broomball... and I didn't go. I really wanted to, but for some reason I opted for staying at home with a can of vegetable beef soup and crunched numbers until midnight, trying to make my tuition next year workable. I really wanted to go- I love broomball.
For some reason, I felt left out. I don't know why. I have friends at school. But they all have better friends who live on campus. It's like a special bond everyone has that I always feel left out of.
Or maybe it's just me. I don't feel accepted very easily. I have a lot of friends, but the only ones I count on as my truest are those I can talk to easily, about my life, about their life; they're the ones I call on the weekends to hang out with because I know they will say yes and not have something better to do with other friends. Or if they do, they'll invite me along. Friends like the Justins, Jesse, Jessica, Mikey. David. Bev and Jarrod. Those are the people I am comfortable with. I don't have that friendship with anyone at school, but I've always tried, and I always end up feeling left out.
Maybe that's why I love camp so much. At camp, you're in, no matter what. Maybe the relationships don't run as deep, with everyone going their separate ways during the school year, but you know that when you come back... you're accepted. Nothing's changed, you might as well have picked right off from the August before. But then, sometimes at camp you do get some of those kind of close friends. Britney, Johannah, Troy. These are the people I can be myself around, and not worry if I'm fun enough, or cool enough. If what I have to say is worth saying.
I'm me, and they still want to be my friend. That's cool.
I jumped around a lot here. Really, I know I'm not supposed to judge my worth on what others think of me, it's just a bummer sometimes not being fully in a group that's so rad, just because I'm not there all the time. That's a major reason I wanted to live on campus, so I could be a part of it.
Oh well. I've got my best friends and they rock. ; )
posted by thesmallblondeone @ 2:02 PM
3 Comments:
The camp thing is so true. You could not talk to one of the peeps from camp anf be there best friend during the summer. That is camp. Camp is as camp does ma'm. I feel exactly the same way you do though Jordan. I love yiou guys and miss you so much. Right now I am not investing in relationships here because I don't have time enough to be in one place for any amount of time and form deep bonds. Kinda stinks. Ok is really super stinks. But it is always so good to read an updated journal from one of you or see a comment on my site. I appreciate you guys (the J-Crew, especially Jordan (cause girls gotta stick together) keeping in touch with me.
I got to agree with Gibby on this one. Calling 20+ people your best friends is a little unrealistic. I don't want this to sound like a brag but I am in alot of different circles of friends. Of course there are some I hang out with more. But that dosn't make them my best friends. I just have more fun with them. My best friends are the ones I can goto to talk about anything. Their the ones that will give me advice that I need, even if it isn't what you want to hear. Their the ones that will pray with you for your trials and sins that your going through. Your best friends are the ones that don't mind if you come over for no reason at all, or you can call at 2am and not get mad. Out of all the circles I'm in there is only about three I can trust this way. I won't give any names because I don't want to make anyone feel less important cause your all great friends. None of my best friends are girls for obvious reasons. But there are three girls I feel I can trust almost as much, And Yes your one of them. I hope all your real best friends are girls, but if you ever need anything I'll alway be here for you too.
I'm not saying I want a million best friends. I know that is unreasonable, believe me. It's just a bummer at school when you want to be a part of the fun stuff and you always feel a little left out because everyone else has such a strong bond. Even though I go to CHC, I'm not a part of CHC, no matter how hard I've tried. It just makes going to events and stuff hard because the people I consider friends have other friends they want to hang out with. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. I just felt weird not going to broomball without a good reason and I just psychoanalyzed myself until I found it :)
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